Is Self-Love the True Love you’ve been looking for?

Maria Cheung, BSc., MPH, ABS
Registered Clinical Sexologist
Authentic Tantra Practitioner (R)

For the month of Love, we’re going to explore a less glamorous, often misunderstood form of love; Self-Love. This form of love may be the foundation you’ve been missing in your relationship and perhaps even yearning for in your own adult life. It is nurturing, it can feel like a warm hug, or the mature thing to practice (like taking your Vitamins), but in the long term is life-giving, and reinforces a sturdy ground beneath you. So what exactly do we mean by Self-Love?

What is Self-Love?

My partner recently shared a beautiful interaction with his 5 year old daughter about love. She had started to play this cute game where she would ask “Daddy, do you love me more than the butterfly? More than this strawberry? Or the dog?”. Of course his answer was always “yes, sweetheart”. Though, this time he took it as an opportunity to teach her about different forms of love, such as a love between mom and dad, among siblings, with a friend, with a girlfriend/boyfriend or with grandma and grandpa. It was sweet. I reflected on that lesson and would add Self-Love as a whole other valuable category too.

There was a reel that’s recently gone viral, and on initial observation, one may not think much of it - yet it has blown up over night, and now been sourced and replicated by therapists, and other somatic healers alike. The video depicts a woman assumed to be alone in her living room speaking to the camera while deliberately spilling a cup of water on the floor and asking the audience to notice if they experience any visceral reactions in their body (such as wincing, shame, feeling flustered etc), and proceeds to affirm both herself and the audience that “Listen, I just spilt water on my feet... and no one’s yelling at me....it’s just water on the floor... it’s going to be OK”. This is an example of Self-Love that is about being self-compassionate with ourselves when we make mistakes. (Which for some of us, who may have been brought up with caregivers who reacted with yelling or criticism to mistakes/accident you made as a child, may notice that they could benefit from practicing this form of self-love especially as adults who make mistakes and don’t deserve to be yelled at whether by someone or now by their own critical voice they have in their head.) Are you noticing how critical that voice in your head can be?

One way to look at your Self-Love is like tending to your unique garden. The more that you nurture it, the more that the soil, and plants are healthy and flourish and maybe even fruit in abundance for you to share the overflow with your community and loved ones. If someone comes and tramples on your garden, it will be your responsibility to speak up and ask them to respect it’s boundaries. If society tells you, you “should” plant a certain plant in your garden, but it simply doesn’t flourish in your unique soil, sun and climate composition, then you are not a failure. Instead it will be up to you to know what type of plants “do” suit your unique plot of garden, or your unique gardening habits such that you nurture it as required and it flourishes as your unique patch.

Self-Love in humans is not so different. It looks like setting Boundaries, Being Self-Compassionate, Being Radically Authentic, Doing our Best, Owning our Mistakes, Knowing Our Limits and Being Courageous to speak our truth or Advocate for our Needs as needed. We get to nurture our own unique mind, body and spirit such that the world gets to interact with the empowered mature version of ourselves that we deserve to become. In some therapeutic contexts, the essence is to sooth and reparent your inner child that gets scared, doesn’t feel seen or heard sometimes and is learning to take space in a skillful vs reactive way now as a grown adult. That is is what we mean by Self-Love.

When Self-Love is Missing and How that Shows Up in Relationship Challenges and Blocked Erotic Expression

Have you ever had a heated disagreement with your partner and noticed if they responded to your request or opinion with defensiveness or complete misunderstanding of your communication? And perhaps you are now annoyed because you notice that your partner was not listening? Then again, have you ever observed if you yourself are truly getting their communication, and perhaps have been preparing your reason or request in your head, before making sure you acknowledge or got their communication? This is so common among couples.

When Self-Love is shaky, we may reactively go into our own ego’s concerns and insecurities about being abandoned, not being enough, or not getting what we want in relationship instead of being able to be “present” with our partners feelings and needs. (Which may in fact simply be an expression of their own insecurities or growth edge they are working on.) Being able to discern what is your responsibility to take on and not in a moment of distress takes a groundedness and practice of Self-Love.

Then add the touchy topic of sex. Simply put, sexual desire is a form of expression shared through and with the body. So already it is a topic that can feel very vulnerable and personal to express, let alone negotiate. It is also a topic that gets moralized, glamorized, and even politicized. So even reclaiming our sexuality and desire free of the fear-based significance (such as shame, guilt, feeling too much, or not good enough etc.) takes a lot of Self-Love at the individual level before even being able to share it with another vulnerably, reliably and expansively.

For example, I’ve had a client share that their girlfriend put on beautiful lingerie looking to surprise him, only to take it personal when his erection was not erecting, thinking that he did not find her attractive, when in fact he had been stressed from work and had been dealing with variable erections on his own. With shaky Self-Love, he was left worried that he wasn’t a good enough lover. Instead with a practice of Self-Love, he could have express that he was having an off day and still desired her while he was working on discovering what he needs more fulsomely to be reliably hard. If she also practiced Self-Love, she would learn not to take that experience personal. This kind of radical honesty and clarity comes from a practice of Self-Love, and a skillfullness in communicating sexual needs. Both of which could not only save massive confusion between the couple, but is the foundation of vulnerable and exciting intimacy that could lead to exploring your sexual edges together too!

If you’re looking to take on Self-Love or want to know how to build a Self-Love practice as a gift to yourself or your partnership this Valentines, book a call with our Clinical Sexologist Maria Cheung to find out more.